One area that the Kama Sutra goes very in-depth, is how to go about finding a spouse for yourself. There are a number of different sections that discuss this matter, and each provides practical tips to assist you. Some of the advice given may not be as applicable in today’s world, as the invention of the internet has changed the dating landscape significantly. Also, many of us date for pleasure and not always with the goal of marriage, so this may not apply to everyone who is reading it. However, marriage was an important aspect of life back when the Kama Sutra was written, so it should come as no surprise that much of the book is written with married couples in mind.
In the Kama Sutra, discussion about marriage begins with finding someone within the same caste as you, and nowadays this is not nearly as relevant. In modern times we avoid breaking people down into different caste systems, but there is some truth with regards to finding someone of a similar background. You want to ensure that you and your partner have similar beliefs and morals, as individuals who are too strongly opposed to the others’ ideas may not work out in the long-term. This is especially important when it comes to key points, such as:
- Do you and your partner both want children?
- How do you plan on raising those children?
- Are you devout in your religious beliefs?
- What are the ideas of gender roles within a marriage?
- Are your political beliefs similar?
- How do you feel about alcohol and drugs?
- Are your sex drives similar?
- Do you both want to get married?
- How do you approach financial matters?
- What do you expect from a partner?
- Where do you see yourself living?
- What are your main goals in life?
While a difference in opinion can be healthy and is even encouraged, if you differ on vital points, then you are doomed to fail. If one of you dreams of being a parent, but the other is absolutely against having children, there will eventually be resentment between you as one partner will feel that a core desire is not being met.
With regards to the Kama Sutra, the majority of the text on marriage discusses how a man should go about finding a wife and what he should look for in the woman that he marries. There is also a lot of discussion regarding marriages in which the man has multiple wives, and the role each wife should take in the relationship. This information is not as applicable today, so we have opted to leave it out of this chapter. But in order to properly cover everything that exists within the Kama Sutra, it is still worth mentioning that it exists.
How one seeks out a wife is not the only thing that is discussed, and its fact, the Kama Sutra goes into great detail regarding how a man should then pursue a woman and win her over. The Kama Sutra mentions the following in terms of what a man should avoid when looking for a wife:
- A man should not marry a woman who is asleep or crying
- He should not try and marry a woman who is already married
- He should avoid someone with a bad sounding name or whose name ends in the letter R or L
- A man should not marry a woman who is disfigured, has crooked thighs, or is bald
- He should seek to marry a virgin who has reached puberty
- A man should not marry his friend or his sister
We can take away from the above list because times certainly have changed, and many of what is listed seem both childish and absurd by today’s standards. However, some points, such as not marrying someone who is asleep or who is crying, are still very much valid and should be respected and adhered to! So, what should an ideal bride be?
- She should be beautiful to look upon She should come from a good family
- Her age should be three years or younger than the man
- She should be wealthy
- Her body should be in good health and have lucky marks on it
- She should not have been married previously
- Most importantly, she should be the one that the man loves
Now, that last point may seem contradictory to the others, for what if the man falls in love with a woman that is bald? Or a woman that is not three years younger than himself? Well, it is said in the Kama Sutra that above all else, the only that thing that will bring true happiness and prosperity is marrying someone that you are attached to and to whom you feel love. Without love, there is no reason to marry, and this is something we can attest to even today.
There are different types of marriages discussed within the Kama Sutra, but the main type is what is called Gandharva marriage. This is the type of marriage when two people are equally attracted to one another, and without any interference from others consent to be married. There are no rituals or family involved, and instead is private between the two who are to be wed. While this was seen as not socially correct, it is the type of marriage that is brought about due solely to love, and this is one of the highest forms of marriage attainable.
What we can take from the Kama Sutra in terms of marriage is that love should be the basis for a successful marriage. Regardless of what your spouse looks like or what family they are born into, if you love the person, you should seek them out and create that relationship with them. Looks will eventually fade, and social status can change, but what should be everlasting is the love you have for one another. As long as you have that, the marriage is starting out on the right foot.
